Shame _{Originally posted 2016/09/28 to fanfiction.net}
Sometimes, a leaf isn't just a leaf. Even in the little things, Jasper is still there. She'll always be with her. Even while off playing with Steven. It's difficult to deal with. But for Steven and his friendship, even if it's something she didn't deserve, she'd try to smile through it.

"Hey, Lapis, Look at this one!"

The blue gem smiled, looking up from the pile of leaves she had collected to see the new one that Steven had found. It was big and broad, with different spiked tips. It looked kind of like the one from the flags on Camp Pining Hearts. It was such a warm, vibrant shade of orange.

"It's neat, right?" The boy laughed, handing it over to her. "You can add it to your collection too!"

It's the same shade of orange as Jasper's stripes.

No, stop thinking about that. Today is a nice day. You're supposed to be having fun with Steven.

It had been weeks since the incident on the ship. Admitting to it hadn't changed anything. Not really.

It was hard. Everywhere, everything reminded her of Jasper. The gem she had kept prisoner, held captive in their own body and tortured for months on end. There had been no resolution. Even something as simple and innocent as leaves reminded her of the other gem. It was inescapable. No matter what she did, it always came back to Jasper.

"This one is great!" She nodded, adding it to her pile. Keeping up a happy front was difficult. Being around Steven just complicated things.

On the one hand, his happiness was infectious. It was impossible not to feel good just being around him.

Steven was kind, he was fun, he was a friend. But even then, everything there was to love about him just made her feel worse. She didn't deserve his kindness. He was just a kid having his fun, he didn't need her problems to weight him down. Worst of all, he was her friend despite everything that she had done.

She had taken the Earth's oceans and seas away, she had nearly done something that could have destroyed his planet. She had nearly drowned him and his human friend in the process.

She had lied to and tricked another gem, one that was only doing her job, just for revenge. She had forced another gem to stay fused with her, held her captive on a planet that they both had known would be destroyed at any moment. She had planned on keeping her under the ocean and torturing her until the cluster emerged.

And still despite all this, Steven was still her friend. It was hard to deal with that. He had no reason to trust her, let alone actually care about her, yet he was still good enough to call her a friend. It made her feel guilty. Ashamed.

"And I also found this one, it kinda looks like Peridot, right?" He held up a green leaf, one partly eaten, but it resembled a triangle.

Lapis snickered, looking at the leaf. It was a little too dark to be a perfect match, but it did look like Peridot's hair. "It does look like her!" She grinned, picking up her pile of leaves off the ground.

Jasper would have gotten a laugh out of that. She never liked Peridot's hair. She thought her whole form was too arrogant for just another peridot technician...

Enough about Jasper. You're supposed to be having fun with Steven.

"I'm gonna give this one to her when we get back to the barn." He declared proudly, putting the leaf into his cheeseburger backpack. "Do you think you've got enough for your meep morp yet?" He asked, zipping up his bag and looking up at her.

You're a monster.

No. That's not true. Stop thinking like that.

How can Steven even stand to be around a monster like you? You should be ashamed of yourself, tricking him into liking you like this. That's all you do, isn't it? You trick people and you use them.

No, that's not true. It's not like that now.

Look at what you've let yourself become. You're a disgrace. You should be ashamed.

"Yeah, I have enough." Lapis smiled, standing up and brushing her skirt off. "You want to go back to the barn?" She asked, summoning her wings.

"Yeah! C'mon! Oh! And hey! Tomorrow we should have Peridot come with us too! And Amethyst," He laughed, holding his arms up for the blue gem to grab him. "I think Amethyst might wanna come too. She doesn't really like looking at leaves," He smiled, "She likes eating them though! And we can make a big pile and then jump in it!"

"Sure, Steven." She laughed, grabbing him by the hands and taking off into the sky. "That sounds like fun!"

How can you even live with yourself?